I am old enough to remember that, when I was a child, every woman said she needed to ask her husband's opinion and permission about EVERYTHING. What we ate, where we went on vacation, what church we attended, everything, were my father's decisions. I'd like to think we've moved past this, but I know many of us still struggle with it.
I love this so much. I have been plagued by this all my life. It makes things like shopping for a dress excruciating. I have been using two of these tools (asking what’s the worst that can happen, and keeping the big goal in mind) for several years. It’s so helpful. I also think the dang people-pleasing mess gets in our way. I try to please my 12 year old self now. Thank you for this reminder to apply the razor to writing as well as life. Wise. And that picture rocks.
So true! I have been a lifelong chronic overthinker. I have the same journal pages with the line down the middle. 🤣 It seems to be getting easier with age but it takes a little while for the people in your life to catch on. For example, this past weekend I brought my husband inside to describe to him my vision for an area of the kitchen that I want to spruce up & showed him I was inspired by the color of a wisteria bloom with the white, yellow, & lavender. To which he responds, “I don’t think the lavender is a good idea.” Too bad, I wasn’t asking his opinion, I was just asking him to see my vision. The area around my kitchen window WILL be lavender.
That sounds beautiful! I love color on kitchen walls. I painted some wall space in my kitchen a deep teal- it was a little shocking at first but I'm loving it now.
I relate to this so much, as a writer and a human. In my 30s, I discovered my pattern of endlessly asking other people what they would do when I was uncertain. That just brought me more confusion. But I also realized that when I already knew what I wanted, deep gut knowing, I was practically stealth about pursuing my decisions. Once I identified that pattern, that helped me with indecision. But I still struggle at times and really appreciate the steps you detailed. Thank you!
Love the photo! It begs to be displayed without a frame. A frame would destroy the photo's essence; freedom, beauty, deep regard for one another, and lifefulness.
I agree! I'm finally in a place where I am rarely wishy-washy. I know what I want and how I want it. It may not make other people happy, but my life and choices are mine alone.
Janisse, you are on fire in your writing that resonates in so many of our souls! It's funny because when I am actually more decisive as a single parent in my 50s than I was married to an equally indecisive man in my 20s. I remember my father's exasperation at this young couple (me and the ex) who wouldn't commit to plans and kept decisions in limbo. "Just SAY what you're going to do, and then you can change your mind later!" he'd tell us, as we coordinated plans with family for example.
His indecision fed mine and now that I've been solo parenting for 20 years, I'm so grateful to have escaped that co-dependence on indecision (I'm thankful to have escaped other larger problems in the marriage as well). But the reason your essay came at the right time for me is that I've reverted to old patterns since January and have no one to blame but myself! I've been in a tizzy, as we say, trying to discern my next big writing project without the guidance of my editor who left the publisher, my developmental editor, who got a full-time job, etc. So rather than just write and see what happens, I'm living in my head, pushing titles and outlines and words around, waking up unable to find resolution.
I've got a full-time job teaching, so my brain doesn't have a lot of time to linger--but it's finding a way to create stress from the indecision of just proposing some ideas. So yes, I think I just need more information, but I might just need to put an idea up the flagpole and see who salutes! Your essay spoke to me in spades, reminding me of how far I've come, but also how my somewhat compulsive brain can attach to indecision and create a full-time job out of a vacuum. Thanks as always and with love! Mallory
Thank you, Mallory. I can't wait to see what your next writing project turns out to be. This is such an exciting time. Yay for all of us that you write.
Thank you for sharing your struggles with decisions. They have always been difficult for me, also. Right now, I am hovering in indecision about what to say about decisions! I am in my mid 50's, and in the last 10 years or so have made a conscious effort to be more decisive. 1) I realized, like you've mentioned, that only I can make my decision, which is liberating and scary all at once. 2) I think it was Brene' Brown who said if it's not a "hell yes", it's a "hell no." There are nuances between the two though, and I use my gut feeling to clarify. Recalling her words has helped in many situations when I am wavering. 3) making a decision boots all other options off the table, even if temporarily.This gives direction and purpose, even if you have to abandon the decision later and choose another.
Your insights into decisions are much appreciated and added to my decision-making arsenal!
Thank you, Jenny. I use the wisdom you mentioned. I didn't get it from Brene, so the one I have is a bit different. If it's not a clear YES, then it's a clear NO. I remember now--I got it from the book ESSENTIALISM.
This is so interesting to me. I am a very decisive person. Not always right, but decisive. I'm good in an emergency. I'm not shy about going one way and switching it up later. I'll make a decision on the page and read it over and over and change if needed. I've never understood indecisiveness, I admit, and hadn't thought of it as gender-based until now. I think it comes to being more of an intuitive person, and less of a sensitive type. Food for thought for sure, thanks.
I am old enough to remember that, when I was a child, every woman said she needed to ask her husband's opinion and permission about EVERYTHING. What we ate, where we went on vacation, what church we attended, everything, were my father's decisions. I'd like to think we've moved past this, but I know many of us still struggle with it.
Sadly, I see it all the time.
I love this so much. I have been plagued by this all my life. It makes things like shopping for a dress excruciating. I have been using two of these tools (asking what’s the worst that can happen, and keeping the big goal in mind) for several years. It’s so helpful. I also think the dang people-pleasing mess gets in our way. I try to please my 12 year old self now. Thank you for this reminder to apply the razor to writing as well as life. Wise. And that picture rocks.
So true! I have been a lifelong chronic overthinker. I have the same journal pages with the line down the middle. 🤣 It seems to be getting easier with age but it takes a little while for the people in your life to catch on. For example, this past weekend I brought my husband inside to describe to him my vision for an area of the kitchen that I want to spruce up & showed him I was inspired by the color of a wisteria bloom with the white, yellow, & lavender. To which he responds, “I don’t think the lavender is a good idea.” Too bad, I wasn’t asking his opinion, I was just asking him to see my vision. The area around my kitchen window WILL be lavender.
That sounds beautiful! I love color on kitchen walls. I painted some wall space in my kitchen a deep teal- it was a little shocking at first but I'm loving it now.
You made me LOL.
I relate to this so much, as a writer and a human. In my 30s, I discovered my pattern of endlessly asking other people what they would do when I was uncertain. That just brought me more confusion. But I also realized that when I already knew what I wanted, deep gut knowing, I was practically stealth about pursuing my decisions. Once I identified that pattern, that helped me with indecision. But I still struggle at times and really appreciate the steps you detailed. Thank you!
Love the photo! It begs to be displayed without a frame. A frame would destroy the photo's essence; freedom, beauty, deep regard for one another, and lifefulness.
I agree that the photo is stunning!
Wow, I really needed these words at this moment when I'm percolating a big decision. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your wisdom.
Thinking of you as you gain clarity, Brandy.
I agree! I'm finally in a place where I am rarely wishy-washy. I know what I want and how I want it. It may not make other people happy, but my life and choices are mine alone.
Janisse, you are on fire in your writing that resonates in so many of our souls! It's funny because when I am actually more decisive as a single parent in my 50s than I was married to an equally indecisive man in my 20s. I remember my father's exasperation at this young couple (me and the ex) who wouldn't commit to plans and kept decisions in limbo. "Just SAY what you're going to do, and then you can change your mind later!" he'd tell us, as we coordinated plans with family for example.
His indecision fed mine and now that I've been solo parenting for 20 years, I'm so grateful to have escaped that co-dependence on indecision (I'm thankful to have escaped other larger problems in the marriage as well). But the reason your essay came at the right time for me is that I've reverted to old patterns since January and have no one to blame but myself! I've been in a tizzy, as we say, trying to discern my next big writing project without the guidance of my editor who left the publisher, my developmental editor, who got a full-time job, etc. So rather than just write and see what happens, I'm living in my head, pushing titles and outlines and words around, waking up unable to find resolution.
I've got a full-time job teaching, so my brain doesn't have a lot of time to linger--but it's finding a way to create stress from the indecision of just proposing some ideas. So yes, I think I just need more information, but I might just need to put an idea up the flagpole and see who salutes! Your essay spoke to me in spades, reminding me of how far I've come, but also how my somewhat compulsive brain can attach to indecision and create a full-time job out of a vacuum. Thanks as always and with love! Mallory
Thank you, Mallory. I can't wait to see what your next writing project turns out to be. This is such an exciting time. Yay for all of us that you write.
Right on target! Good reminder to write on target.
Thank you for sharing your struggles with decisions. They have always been difficult for me, also. Right now, I am hovering in indecision about what to say about decisions! I am in my mid 50's, and in the last 10 years or so have made a conscious effort to be more decisive. 1) I realized, like you've mentioned, that only I can make my decision, which is liberating and scary all at once. 2) I think it was Brene' Brown who said if it's not a "hell yes", it's a "hell no." There are nuances between the two though, and I use my gut feeling to clarify. Recalling her words has helped in many situations when I am wavering. 3) making a decision boots all other options off the table, even if temporarily.This gives direction and purpose, even if you have to abandon the decision later and choose another.
Your insights into decisions are much appreciated and added to my decision-making arsenal!
Thank you, Jenny. I use the wisdom you mentioned. I didn't get it from Brene, so the one I have is a bit different. If it's not a clear YES, then it's a clear NO. I remember now--I got it from the book ESSENTIALISM.
Both are a similar pathway to the same result. The book ESSENTIALISM sounds interesting. I just checked in iBooks; is it the one by Greg Mackeown?
This is so interesting to me. I am a very decisive person. Not always right, but decisive. I'm good in an emergency. I'm not shy about going one way and switching it up later. I'll make a decision on the page and read it over and over and change if needed. I've never understood indecisiveness, I admit, and hadn't thought of it as gender-based until now. I think it comes to being more of an intuitive person, and less of a sensitive type. Food for thought for sure, thanks.